What Is Wisdom?...I Have Often Wondered, And I Am Not Sure. Understanding Of Life And Men (Women), I Presume.....Louis L'Amour

Moments

In the world we live in today, it is a humbling awakening when you can reunite with someone 30 years later and the conversation, the love, the genuineness of who you and who they are allows you to pick up like it was only yesterday.


Last night was a true testament of sisterhood. In those 30 years, life has taken each one of us down different paths. We all have experienced and witnessed happiness, tragedy, joy, disappointment that have touched us, individually, different than the other but through it all, we are sistahs.


My heart rejoices today in the spirit of knowing that God's hands orchestrated this moment of happiness. Girls you showed up and showed out, just the way I like it. AB, girl, you STILL have the grace and refinement that only you can display (all real). Traci, girl, you are the person I would love to live vicariously through to live out that artistic free spirit that is buried inside of me screaming to be set free. Girl you carry IT with such class and richness. Do you boo, never duplicated always authenticated.


What was even more special for me was allowing my daughters to witness, first hand, what and how true friendship/sisterhood really is. Knowing my daughters, their moments of silence was just a muse. Their minds were processing and storing the knowledge of "Oh this is how we do it". This was one of life's invaluable lessons and I am so glad that they were the students and you two women were the instructors. Thank you again for a life lesson that I can never put a price tag on. A lesson called Life.


There are moments in life I reflect on now, with 47 years of wisdom, and I know exactly what I would have done differently. There are some moments in the life that I reflect on with pride, admiration, and conviction. But with it all, I thank God for allowing me to be me, a woman of God. I thank Him for my spirit of maturity, my spirit of friendship, my spirit of sisterhood, my spirit of self.


Thank you again, Traci and AB. This was only one of many more moments in this thing called Life.


Peace and Blessings,


Tracey ReNissa

"Conscience is the Inner Voice Which Warns us"

THE HEAVINESS OF IT ALL

As a young woman embarking college, I was scheduled to attend Morgan State University, a HBCU. At the time, my mother suffered a hemorrhagic CVA. I attended orientation, but I did not return for fall classes. I truly regret not having that experience. I make mention of this minor diversion to transition into my current position as a RN for one of our prominent HBCU.

As a nurse in the health service department, I see and hear a lot of what the younger adults are experiencing. One particular day, I had a male student to come into the exam room to request a STD screening. I paused and looked at him with my motherly stern glare that was filled with the same love and support that I have for my two sons. When I looked over to him to make eye contact there was something so profoundly different about his demeanor compared to the countless others that parade in and out of health services requesting STD screenings. His lowered head, his soft spoken words and most memorable, in my mind, was the heaviness of his shoulders were the things that stood out in my memory of him. I immediately changed my approach and my voice became softer and more soothing. I told him we only screen for gonorrhea and chlamydia. I questioned if he had unprotected sex and if he received confirmation from his partner that he may have been exposed to a STD. He responded yes to both questions, but it was not one of the two STD's that I had mentioned. He needed to be screened for HIV. His partner phoned him the previous night to tell him, she tested positive for HIV. She tested positive for the initial mouth swab and had to return for the blood draw to confirm the swab. I immediately felt weak in my knees because this was the first time as a nurse, as a mother, as a black woman, as a human, that I had to prepare one of my children for a life altering oddyssey and regardless of the results this was truly a moment in his life that would alter every facet of his being. This was the fork in the road and it required some hard choices.

I gathered the information and resources on campus that he needed to contact to screen for the HIV test, as well as, counseling that would be needed. After I gave him the information, I asked if we could pray together and I prayed with him and I asked his permission to hug him. We hugged for a few seconds but I didn't want to let him go. While we held hands during prayer and hugged, I felt those heavy shoulders release some of its heaviness unto me. The need for him to be vulnerable was palpable. He could no longer hold in those tears or stop his shoulders from moving up and down from the heaviness of it all. At that moment, I too started crying because the innocence of his youth had been tarnish and compromised. From this point on, he must be accountable for his actions and the impact of these actions to others, the heaviness of it all. We both took a moment to gather ourselves before we opened the doors to the exam room into the main waiting room. As my son departed, I called out his name and he turned to me and I said I am here for you, come back if you need to talk. He struggled to fight back the tears and in his weak soft voice he said "I will". The heaviness of it all.

I have tried to reach out and contact this young man, but I have not been able to contact him. My life has been effected by this chance encounter. The humbleness of this young man during this life sobering news was life altering.

Update, I started writing the particular blog a few weeks ago. I just could not find the right ending to this story. My brave young man reappeared. His stature and demeanor was no longer of a boy but a man. We hugged the moment he entered the exam room. I gave me the great news that his initial test is negative. He does have to retest in 6 months but I have no doubt the results will remain the same. Unfortunately, his girlfriend's blood test was positive. We talked and I could hear the maturity in his voice. I reminded him that as a man, it was imperative that he employs his God given sense of discernment. He mentioned that he keeps in touch with the young lady and he is there to support her during this transition.

I felt relief and sadness after seeing this young man again. I truly believe that his life will yield greatness for him. Not every story ends with this ending. I have a dear friend whose daughter died in February of complications from AIDS. The Heaviness of it all was shared with a father who cared and loved her to the end. I know for him, he never thought once about his only role and responsibility to care and love for his daughter. It was never heavy or any doubt about how he would be there for her.

I only hope that this blog touches someone and resonants in their heart to allow this to be a turning point.

Peace and Blessings,

Tracey ReNissa

"How Well We Communicate Is Determined Not By How Well We Say Things But How Well We Are Understood...Andrew S. Grove

"SUPERWOMAN"

"Superwoman". How many women do we know that have earned and are deserving of this title, "Superwoman". I attended a Domestic Violence Awareness Breakfast recently and the video "Superwoman" by Alicia Keyes was playing. After watching the video, I started thinking about the impact this massive enormous title has and the implications that are attached to it.

I was raised by a "Superwoman". At times, when I am drowning in my pool of self pity, I often reflect back to those days of growing up. I marvel and wonder how the hell did she keep food on the table, pay tuition for me to attend a private school, afford clothing and all the other necessities and luxuries that I so often took for granted (a trip to Europe). I know dozens of women that are honorably and equally deserving of that title, "Superwoman". After hearing it said, I started to question why are so many of our women deserving of this title. Why are there so many women placed in the position to be named Superwoman. The connotation of this title has a double fold. In my mind, I envision someone that is relentless by a fault, honorable, her character is beyond reproach and she has unquestionable perseverance. The other side of this are the women who embody the endless struggles that are heaped and burdened upon them. I resent that I have to go out and make the bacon, bring home the bacon, fry it up on in a pan, and serve it up on the plate.

I want so desperately to shed this cold metal armour of courageousness, of invincibility, and steadfastness. I want to be what God has created me to be, a Woman. I want to assume my role and position as a nurturer, a mother, a wife, a caregiver, a sister, a granddaughter, a friend, a lover, an inspiration, an unshakable and unmovable fixture in the lives of all that I love, cherish and hold dear and close to my heart. I want to be vulnerable, sensitive to your needs, compassionate, empathic, and sympathetic. Allow me to assist you in your journey called Life, for I am made of a rib from your side. I am the vessel that has brought forth the miracle of life.

Today, I take back my position and my God given role as a Woman. Women join me with the conviction and determination to regain our true identities. I am Woman made of Man hear my cry.

Peace and Blessings

"Vision Is A Startling Moment Of Clarity...The Ability To Reduce The Complicated To The Simple."

Window Seat

Sitting here feeling outta sorts. Here I go again. Damn, I can't keep this shit up. The lyrics to Eryrah Badu's Window Seat is drowning my cerebellum. Brothas just sit back and listen. After listening to the lyrics of Window Seat "It" became so painfully clear to me that I have been let down and disappointed by another one of my Black Kings.

After the hurt and pain, I need to remove myself and purchase a ticket out of town to "Anywhere" with a window seat. A window seat to see my past, my present, and my future. The pain is too excruciating to have someone to sit next to me and share this pain. I bore your children, I bare the humiliation of your infidelity (you cheating ass motha fucker), I work two jobs to ensure financial stability for our family, I stand in defiance at the mere thought that you have been disrespected or wronged, I rejoice in your triumphant moments, I cry with you (my tears flow longer and harder and my shoulders hang lower than yours from the weight of your disappointments), I search the classifieds to help in your mission to secure employment, I endure the absence of your touch, your strength, your smile, your smell, your manhood, your dick, your caress, and your outspokenness. I miss you.

Baby, once I reach my destination, I need you to miss me, I need you to come looking for me, I need your attention, I need your approval, I need your affection, but most of all, I need you to say "come back to me". See brothas our primal needs are so very basic. I NEED you to NEED me. Please need me. I recognize and realize that I need you but, the void is your unwillingness or inability to need me.

I come humble and submissive to you. Are my needs too much for you to fulfil? Can we travel down this road together and share this window seat?

Peace and Blessings,


Tracey ReNissa

"The Finest Expression Of Respect Is Not Praise Or Status, But A Willingness To Talk Openly To A Person."...Les Bittle

Dwarf Syndrome

Queens the term "Dwarf Syndrome" came to me the other day. My use of the word dwarf is not meant to be derogatory or used in a negative connotation.

The term "Dwarf Syndrome" is used to describe how women dwarf themselves to accommodate the elevation of men. Queens the issue of "he's no good", "all men are dogs", "men aren't shit" originates with us. I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs that I read Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Woman and Think Like a Man" well I have too many hats to wear i.e. mother, daughter, sister, friend, registered nurse, entrepreneur, child of God, and so on, to add yet another dimension of who I am as a woman to think like a man.

I only partially fault men on their continuous quest to find and conquer the booty. With every conquest another morsel of our soul is taken. It is difficult for the average man to fully understand and comprehend the magnitude and the impact of the single act of sex between a man and a woman and what it means to the average woman. Our vagina and is so tightly intertwined to our soul and our being. It is metaphorically impossible to separate the two and to discuss the one without including the other.

And so we, as women, have learned to dwarf our true feelings and our true spirits in hopes to fit into the preconceived ideas and thoughts of what we think a man wants. We dwarf our desires to find meaningful relationships because if we don't give "it" up some other sister will. We dwarf our pursue of what we believe is right and necessary in our lives. We dwarf our womanhood to accommodate the desire of a man. We allow our hearts and souls to spiral into chaos because of the internal conflict of our wants versus their wants. When we are not at peace with our soul, our God given rights to express ourselves without some form of rejection, and with the liberation of our true essence, there will always be internal turmoil, struggle and strife and that man that we desire will never fully have the opportunity to relish, cherish and appreciate the Queens that we are.

How does a man start to appreciate the beauty of a woman without experiencing the essence of her vagina too soon? Where does that art of appreciation start? Men too are held accountable for this phenomenon of dwarfism and the polarization of cohesive, strong and solid relationships.

I can only besiege you, my Queens, to set the tone and direct the path in which you are willing to travel. Don't allow our insecurities of being without a man dictate how we interact with a man. I, too, struggle with this concept of knowing what to do but not executing it. I take the pledge to eradicate any insecurities that are compromising and does not allow the true essence of Tracey ReNissa

Peace and Blessings

Tracey ReNissa